Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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