I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
