3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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