i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
