if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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