Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
