Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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