I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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