Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
