I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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