So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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