When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
