Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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