Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
