Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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