Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
