Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
