I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
