I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
