see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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