Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
