currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This baby is an asshole
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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