I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
