I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
