Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
