I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
