true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
