Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
