Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
