I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
