I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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