I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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