i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
