upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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