Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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