I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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