Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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