I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
