New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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