haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
