i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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