he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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