I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
