You smell like stripper and shame
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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