I CAN MOONWALK!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
