my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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