and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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