I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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