ya dads aren't the best wingmen
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
