It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
