He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
