just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
