i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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