I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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