i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
