I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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